She cries for the girl she once was
She cries for the woman she once was
She cries for the woman she is becoming

Heartache

During last year I had my heart twisted like a rope, shattered in my chest, totally broken by a Step parent.  

My father and I were really into researching our Family history and he'd shared quite a lot with me through-out our years together but sadly he died leaving all the paperwork for our family in his small office at his home.

I have quite a lot of paperwork here but lack for some that he had filed away, things that life became too busy for us both to keep up the swapping of info: Wills, certificates of Death, Marriage and Birth, and the many other types of certificates that validate and prove family relationships and history.  

I asked for a copy of my Dad's will ( I am after all his first born child - his daughter) and well, did that cause a STORM through the "family" and apparently caused a fragile member to be upset ( bearing in mind here that this is my Dad also that we lost). 

 I kept insisting I wasn't a threat to them, I wasn't after anything at all - just the copy BUT I was told that Dad indeed had wills and probate docs for the "...." Branch of the family but they DIDN'T concern me! This was the heartbreaker as indeed I AM the "..." Family - I descend from them and theirs.  This same phone call I was told that some things Dad had there were "...." Family - not like the Japanese (oh sure) things I'd given him :( Excuse me luvee, I was born a "..." And will die A "..."

Needless to say that I am now trying to pick up many pieces of a broken heart that not too many people understand the'why and how' of. - I fear unless one has been here in my situation perhaps no-one would understand how much this has caused me grief and I know I really shouldn't let it get to me but just every now or then, it hits me how cruel this person was in quite a few of my life stages and never more so than trying to deny me something that is my birthright, my family right, my heritage and I'm now talking about how callously she dismissed my being a part of the "..." Family!

Vent done ~ thankyou for your shoulders!

Ps a good example of a couple of previous;
Myself staying with them in Sydney as a teen and bumping into my cousins boyfriend at Strathfield Station, knowing if we stayed there and caught up they'd be worried so We went home only to have her pretty much abuse him and insist he leave! Very embarrassing.

Her asking me how many affairs my mother had whilst with Dad - sheesh, I was only 5 when they split up and I didn't exactly have privvy to their lives - all I remember is him being 'rough' and then him driving away from the farm in his car with my Dog! I didn't get to see a great deal of him for many years after we arrived in Coffs!  
I know they became very close just before Mum's heart was broken by news of a baby:(
Guessing she hasn't tried to find my half sister in Brisbane :)
I would and could go on but tis nearly morning and I'm going on too much!

Ciou for now

The 5 stages, depression and chronic pain

Thinking again about the 5 stages of grief (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross) and how people like myself, with depression and chronic pain feel all 5 of these stages most every day...

Denial - Why is  this happening to me, why do I deserve this?? We refuse to accept the logical progression and logical outcome.
I think I feel Denial (often) every single day! I was a hard worker with a humongous love/hate relationship with introduced pest plants in Australia and spent a lot of my spare time clearing local bushland.  Now, I look out onto my wonderful Aussie bushland and think "sheeesh, why can't I just go over the fence and clear those vines. 

Anger - the Why me? How is this fair?
For me this goes hand in hand with the Depression, I think Why do I have to take pain pills to want to do what I used to do before the onset of these "O's" in my life.. Why can't I just do what I used to do -Why me - Why - Why - Why and then I tend to get withdrawn and sullen and not pleasant to be around for my poor family:(


Bargaining - I'd do anything to make myself better again! I'd give everything I own!
I don't tend to Bargain I think - I think I've resigned myself to never being who I was without more help to research cures!

Depression - becoming silent, sad about the inevitable life before you!
Touched on this in Anger - but for me the Depression is heightened by more than just a want to go bush - having to think about little everyday tasks like vacuuming (and having pain for a day or two after), cleaning the raked ceiling is Scary for me due to not being able to move my neck without a headache or migraine for days.. Like many of us - we don't get to see the sky like most people:(

Acceptance - for me are the days that I totally understand I cannot do "exactly" what I want to do without accepting the painful consequences.
Doing exactly this just now - the urge to go bush the last few days has been very very strong but I know I just cannot afford to right now without having to spend some more time in bed zonked.  Even more annoying is it's right there every time I walk out my doors. 
I know I'll end up over there at some stage soon but am right proper upset that I just cannot stroll over today. This wasn't meant to be a huge vent but became one so I apologise to those that cannot empathise:)
Gilly

Musings ~ Online friendships

I set this up with a view to daily muses but sadly life has been kind of a mess since my forced retirement?

I always thought that retirement would lend to being able to get everything I've had on my mind for years finally done ie all the hundreds of books read -the mending finally finished, my cd's all listened to, daily wanderings through our local opshops (yep, I'm a 2nd hand addict) and many other things - BUT and it's big! I never get time:) There always seems to be something happening or some chore or tother in the way. 

I spend way too much time on SOCIAL MEDIA but love the people I"ve met there. Dang to the Professor who once said that no real friendships could be made online - I now have a lady I proudly call my sister (not really related) and also the most wonderful (pretend) brother any girl could hope to have (poking tongue out now at Professor). There's our dear friend in WestAus, who both my daughter and myself adore (who flew all the way to the East Coast to share dd's 21st, our wonderful Canadian gals, Dear Joe, Liz, Cookie, Jenna and tonight I have Confirmed one long term and a newish great friend who support both myself and our common goal of a FreeTibet. There are many MANY other special people who now have become part of my life (daily) and I treasure their online company, comments and support.  I worry if I don't see them posting for awhile:( I know I will treasure these friendships for many years to come! 

Without my social media I would have no idea what was happening around the world and I know it in a zillionth of a second. Puts a whole new meaning to Breaking News. I have shared loves found and lost, lives lost and found, jobs lost and found! Family dramas, life adventures and even real time war and protest updates. I would not be without Social Media nor the wonderful people that have come into my life and become family!

Luv to those wonderful peeps xxoo

End like this?

I admit it - I am now 54 years old and never ever had visions of what my life at 54 would, in reality, be like!

I always thought that I would be invincible and would be able to continue with my passion for gardening and just getting through my days with gusto but I have OA, a disc bulge and Ankylising Spondylosis.

This means that now I find that I wake up wondering which bit will hurt most today.  Lately it's been almost migraine headaches and the feeling that my head is hanging on to my body by a mere thread. 

Health care is tricky in Australia.  With my not working more than 5 hours a week and our usual bills I cannot just head to a specialist without seeking avenues to gain financial help to get there.  I have finally, after 3 years of trying, found a GP that listens a bit (LOL) and has arranged a Rheumy visit next month.  This visit just won't come fast enough I'm afraid as I find I'm struggling emotionally with the lack of proper meds and assistance or a realisation of where I'm at physically.

I am starting to feel that I should be legally retired and allowed my super but my views and the medical profession I fear will differ.

I so feel for any one out there that has major health probs and just cannot get the help they deserve.  Things have to change somehow and 'us' the lower end of 'a' financial' scale need better help.
Just needed to vent today sorry!
till later
Gilly

Banking in this day n age!

Really really suggesting to everyone that they do take out Income insurance when they acquire a loan of any type.

We didn't think it would be necessary and then SNAP.. I find I have a disc problem aggravated by my work placing me in a job position that required lifting (note this was after they'd been told that I couldn't lift, bend, twist etc) To be fair to all concerned I dropped back to casual, only to go for 2 months before gettingany shift at all. 

This of course meant that we fell behind in ALL our bills but specially the mortgage:( Now this only happened once in our married lives before and the Commonwealth bank was awesome allowing us 3 months payments tacked onto the end of our loan (which let us get back onto our feet), our current loaner on the other hand has no empathy at all and is harrassing us at every turn - they won't let us make arrangemenst to pay off the arrears and they keep ringing.

My beef with them apart from the lack of empathy is the fact that whomever rings has no idea at all what was arranged with the last person who called - which led us to a shock phone call yesterday that was to the effect that they were about to sell us up:(

Frantic borrowing from hubbies work may just allow us to make this months payment but really - Do it people, take out income insurance as you never know when you may need it:(

Thanks for letting me rant, ciou, gilly